Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!

I know, I know...it's been awhile since I've been on here. I'm embarrassed to see it's been more than two months. I knew I hadn't blogged in some time, but I had no idea. You might think I have been on some grand adventure or in the hospital with amnesia...I'm afraid the truth could not be less romantic!! I've been lazy, I guess. I just didn't really think that I had anything interesting to write. I still don't, but I'm back, nonetheless. I guess maybe I've been playing hide and seek. Well, some friends found me. Catherine and Stacey have twisted my arm, gently, and now I'm here typing.

Things have been busy, the holidays always are. Since Christmas, though, I really haven't done a thing. It feels good to be back, good to be filling you all in on the monotony that is my life. I'm trying to think of what great things have consumed me since I last typed...

Teressa, my mom, and I went to New Mexico to see my grandma in November. We had a great time there with her. We hung out at her apartment and played Mississippi Marbles with Grandma and her friends. The ladies were so sweet, and they accepted us like we'd always been there. If you've never played Mississippi Marbles (amazingly not a marble game), you should check it out. It's addicting and doesn't require anything more than 6 dice, paper, and a pencil. Just watch out for those twos...they're trouble!

In late October, I had one of the greatest nights. The town that I graduated from has their fall festival at the end of October. One night I got together with some of my best friends from high school. My best friend, Angie, Wes, Jermaine, Matt, and I had so much fun!! We told old stories and laughed constantly...my stomach hurt by the time I left. I miss those carefree days!!

We celebrated the holidays, of course. At one point, I had so many Christmas products going, it was insane! Teressa, Colleen, and I made a calendar for our mom. I altered a can for my friend's present, made Christmas cards, made a calendar for my mother-in-law, altered seven cans for gifts for people at daycare and school. They all got done in time, and they were a success.

I love Christmas, but I have to admit, I'm glad it's over. There's always so much to do. It's been nice to have time to just be lazy. Not that I wasn't lazy before Christmas, I just was lazy and feeling guilty at the same time. :) I have to admit I'm not really ready to go back to school, but I might as well because I'm not being very productive at home.

Well, I'm sorry friends that I haven't had anything earth shattering, funny, exciting, or even news-worthy to share. It's pretty pathetic, actually, when I think of how little I've done since October 17th. :) Don't worry, though, I won't wait another two-and-a-half months before my next post.

5 Things for Which I'm Thankful Right Now (in no particular order)...

1. Guilt-free laziness
2. Old friends
3. Laughter
4. Post-holiday Peace
5. Gentle arm twistings :)

Nichols...OUT!

When I Grow Up...

Do you know how hard it is to teach kids to write? Do you remember learning how to write? I don't. I have no memories of my teachers teaching me how to write. I'm a teacher, and I really don't know how to teach kids to write. I mean, I teach them the writing process, we do peer editing, I have some amazing organizers to help them get their thoughts collected and in order. I pull out all the tricks I have to make them better writers. I don't know that what I do helps them, though.

I love to write. I always have. I don't get a huge kick out of writing essays or research papers, but other than that, I love to write. I even love to edit other people's work. There's something satisfying about fixing what someone writes to make it the best it can be. I love blogging. It's writing at it's best. I just write what I'm thinking. I don't have to do a pre-writing organizer, a rough draft, editing, none of that junk. I just let my ideas flow.

Those of you who really know me know that I do not have the best self-esteem. I don't really see myself as having many strengths. However, I think I am a good writer. I like what I write. When I reread things I have written, I'm proud of how it turned out. I've actually had a few people recently tell me that they like my writing. Two girls have told me that after reading my blog. One tells me about once a month. ;) I love to hear that!!

I was asked the other day by a student what I would do if I wasn't a teacher. I would write. I wish I could make money doing it. I would LOVE that!! Can you imagine making money to do something you are SO passionate about? Something that makes you feel good about yourself? I suppose some think teaching should be that for me. It is sometimes, but there are so many demands...so many requirements...so much that rides on everything you do.

Now you know why I've decided when I grow up, I want to be a writer. Aren't I grown up now? Nope. I don't know when I'll grow up. Heck, I may never grow up. But if I do, watch for my name in print. :)

5 Things for which I'm Thankful (in no particular order)...

1. Spell Check
2. My writing teachers (even though I don't remember what you taught me)
3. Feeling good about myself
4. The Gift for Gab
5. Dreams of someday growing up

I am the Lucky One.

I miss my dad. I have missed him since the day he passed away...some days more than others. It's so strange to me that some days I can't stop thinking about him and other days I might go without thinking of him once. It makes me feel guilty to even type that. You would have laughed if you were watching me hesitate before I even typed that. I thought, "I shouldn't admit to that." "That makes me sound bad." It's true though.

Some days I don't think about my dad once. I'm sure my mom thinks about him everyday. Teressa might think of him everyday too. I don't. Some days when I do think about him, I'm not sad. I might remember something he used to do or say, and it makes me smile. Other days, though, I can't get him out of my mind. I can't stop feeling the pain of missing him. The last week or two have been like that for me. I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him.

My dad was such an amazing person. I know some of you reading this are nodding in agreement. You were lucky like me. You knew him. You loved him. You know how he was the greatest person. He had his faults, of course, but he made people's lives richer. People who really knew him loved him. They couldn't help it. However, some of you reading this don't know him. You never met him. You might not have even known me when he was alive. You missed out. My dad was funny. He was smart. He loved to laugh. He teased people a lot...not in a mean way...when he teased you, you knew it was out of love. My dad spoiled all of us. He was so giving of his time, his affection, his gifts. He was quite a man!

I sometimes still can't believe he's gone. I so wish I could turn back time and change something so he would still be here with us. Didn't he know how much we would miss him? Didn't he know we would sometimes feel lost without him? Didn't he know how much he would miss seeing his grandkids grow up? Why did he ignore the health warning signs? Why didn't he take better care of himself? Why did he do things he knew weren't good for him?

I realize none of that really matters now. What's done is done. I would insert the lyrics of that annoyingly sweet Doris Day song here, but I don't even know how to spell it. I miss my dad. I miss him terribly. I would give anything to have him back. I really would. Today I am thinking about him, and the sadness I feel is strangling me. It really is taking my breath away. I feel the pain in my whole body.

I know your tendency in reading this is to feel sorry for us, those of us missing him. Well, don't. Don't feel sorry for Madeline who will really never know how much her Papa loved her. Don't feel sorry for my mom trying to figure out how to go on without him. Don't feel sorry for our family or my dad's friends. Please don't feel sorry for me. Don't feel sorry that I am consumed with grief today. Instead, feel sorry for the ones whose lives were never touched by him. Feel sorry for the people in our lives that never got to know this amazing man who shaped who we are today. For even though I am choking on the pain of missing him, I got to spend 30 years with my wonderful dad. I have a heart full of memories, a head full of advise, a house full of reminders. Believe it or not, even today when I'm feeling low, I still realize I am the lucky one.

5 Things for which I am thankful right now (in no particular order)...

1. My family and friends
2. Kleenex
3. Knowledge and Clarity
4. 30 years, even if they went too quickly
5. Luck being on my side

The Greatest Gift (long post)

I wish I had a dollar for every time I told my parents, "If you just buy me this ONE thing, I will NEVER ask for anything ever again." It was the THING I HAD to have. What was it? How much use did I get out of it? I can't even answer those questions. I remember using that phrase, but I don't remember the THINGS I was asking for. I'm sure early on it involved barbies or babies. Later it turned to cars or clothes. It changed yet again to electronics. Now I might say it about scrapping stuff...if I was still that immature! :)

My parents did not leave me wanting for things growing up. I got most of what I asked for. I'm sure they might say I got everything I asked for, but that's not quite true. :) I was selfish. I was greedy. I was addicted to things...material things that made me happy at the time but left no lasting satisfaction. I suppose in many ways I am still addicted to things. I saw an ad yesterday for the redesigned iPod Nano. I love it. I thought to myself, "I should ask Jase for that for Christmas." I don't need it! The one I have now works just fine. I know if I asked for it, Jase would find a way to get it for me. In many ways, he picked up right where my parents left off in that regard. I wish I could change my need for material possessions. I don't know that I can. Deep down, I don't really know that I want to...even though I typed just a few seconds ago that I do.

Well, last weekend, I got the greatest gift I've gotten in a long time. It wasn't a gift I asked for. It wasn't a gift I was comfortable getting. The gift wasn't a surprise, and I was very apprehensive in receiving it. The gift wasn't wrapped in brightly colored paper or even lovingly placed in a gift bag complete with tissue paper and ribbons. However, it turned out to be amazing...wonderfully surprising...and ultimately life changing. The gift was given to me by someone in my life who I haven't been close to in the past. I would never expect a gift so precious to be given to ME by HER. Not that she isn't generous...she is. We just haven't had the relationship to be giving much to each other.

The gift arrived a week ago last Thursday in a car that had driven about 12 hours for delivery. The car held my oldest sister, Colleen, and her two sons, Danny and Matthew. See, in order to understand the complexity of this gift, you have to understand a little about the relationship between Colleen and me. I am the baby in my family (not just in actions but in age as well). Colleen is 8 years older than me. She joined the Navy right after high school graduation. When she left the house, I was merely a kid begging for the latest and greatest Barbie...with extra clothes, of course! We didn't really grow up together. She visited only a handful of times between the time she left and returning for our dad's funeral. We hardly ever talked on the phone, and when we did it was awkward. I've only met her husband once. They brought their oldest son, Danny, with them when he was about 2. That's the last time I saw Danny prior to this most recent visit. Their youngest, Matthew, was a stranger to me. My mom talks about him, I've seen pictures, but I didn't know him. I had never talked to him on the phone even. Now Colleen and I have gotten closer since Daddy died. She has visited a few times, we talk on the phone about once a month. Granted, our relationship isn't where it should be, but considering where it had been, it's a major change.

So, I knew Colleen and the boys were going to visit. I've known it for months, but I wasn't prepared for it. They planned on coming to my house last Friday. I had butterflies like you wouldn't believe. I paced between looking out the door and looking out the kitchen window. Why was I so nervous? This was my family visiting. I am a family person! My family is my life. Not long after they arrived, my fears, nerves, and hesitations were all wiped away. Madeline was even shy to them for some time. She didn't warm up as quickly as she normally does. By the time we left to meet T and the girls for dinner, Madeline was all over the boys. She didn't want to ride in the car with me. She wanted to ride with Memo and the boys. When we got to Red Robin, she held Danny's hand to cross the parking lot. We had a wonderful meal with lots of talking, sharing, and laughing. As I drove away, I got so choked up.

How did I let this happen? Why was it okay for me to go along each and everyday not having contact with Colleen and the boys? I should be ashamed of myself. If I'm so used to getting what I want, why didn't I fight to have contact with them. Funny enough, it wouldn't have been a fight at all. Why didn't I try? Why didn't I let them know me? Why was I content to be an outsider that they've only heard about?

Let me tell you, these boys are amazing. They are polite, FUNNY, articulate, well behaved, and endearing. Madeline loves them. Jason and I thoroughly enjoyed every second we spent with them. Funny enough, the visit that I was nervous about beginning was the same visit I didn't want to come to an end. I was so sad to see them go. I desperately wish we lived closer. I want to spend time with them every weekend like I do my mom and T. I want the relationship with them that I have with Amanda and Emma. I have to fight to make it happen.

I was so sad for the time lost. I need to be thankful this visit happened. I am thankful this visit happened. I need to make sure we never revert back to our old ways. It was easy, I'll be the first to admit it. However, now that I've spent two days with these boys, I will never accept a life without them. The gift I want now is more time with them. I promise if I can just have this one gift, I will never ask for another thing again! :)

5 Things for Which I am Thankful Right Now (in no particular order)...

1. Family
2. Family
3. Family
4. Family
5. Unexpected gifts

Neglect...

I admit it. I have been neglectful...call protective services. I haven't neglected my family. I've been good to them, but I've neglected every other aspect of my life! I have neglected my dogs...they are in need of a major haircut! I've neglected my house. It's clean, don't get me wrong. However, I haven't been picking it up and keeping up with the daily upkeep it needs. I've neglected my oven. I can't tell you the last time I cooked a meal. If we eat here, it is something quick and easy...cereal; cheese, crackers, and fruit; etc. I have neglected school. I work my butt off while I'm there, but I have not taken a bit of work home. Well, that's not even entirely true. I have brought it home. I even brought it inside once rather than leaving it in my car overnight. Last night I even went sofar as to bring it downstairs. I thought I'd be more likely to do it then. I still didn't do it. I have really been neglecting the laundry. If I do some, it's just a load of what we need right then...and putting it away?! It all piles up so quickly. Why do I do that?! It's so much easier to put it away right away!

More than any of those things, though, I have neglected myself. Oh, I did fix myself coffee last weekend, I took the time to read the Sunday paper, and I managed to squeeze in some time to do a LO (thanks T for keeping Madeline). But, I haven't taken care of anything else for me. I wanted to get a pedicure last weekend...I've never had one and my crusty feet deserve it! Do they have salons with belt sanders? :) My eyebrows get bushier by the day. My hair is in desperate need of some intervention. I haven't been to church in months. The list goes on and on. I burn my candles at both ends so often that I don't stop to do things for myself. Why is that? I know busy moms tend to overextend themselves. We have to stop that! It gets too easy to be too busy to take care of yourself. That's not okay. Part of being a good mom, wife, friend, family member, career woman is stopping to do little things for yourself to fill your bucket. Well, I have to tell you the reserves in my bucket are depleting. I need a fill up, and I need one fast. :)

5 things for which I am thankful right now (in no particular order)...

1. My family and friends
2. Candle snuffers (they put out flames on both ends, right?)
3. Music
4. Time (Thank goodness I don't have any less than I do!!)
5. Bucket Fill Stations

Nichols...OUT

Just When I Needed It...

Life is really funny sometimes...not laugh-out-loud funny, not funny "ha, ha," but funny nonetheless. Maybe it's strange funny, I don't know. Today was not the best day at work. I won't even go into details about what went wrong. That's not really important. What is important is that I left work feeling like a jerk. I left feeling like my month-and-a-half at this new school was a waste of time. I left feeling like I didn't want to go back tomorrow. That's not a good way to leave. It's kind of like the old saying, "Don't go to bed mad." You don't want to leave work for the day with a bad taste in your mouth. You want to leave feeling tired, worn-out, but content...like you really made a difference.

Not only did I NOT make a difference today, I had someone tell everyone I don't make a difference. It was not direct, it was not meant to hurt me, it was said in the nicest way something like that can be said. But, it still crushed me. I don't think I cry easily, but I could barely hold back the tidal wave of tears. I managed to hold them for quite some time until I was in a "safe" environment where I couldn't stop them. Mind you, I still didn't want to cry, but if I didn't get them out then in front of people who care about me, the build up would have only gotten worse.

Hey!! Wait!! Didn't I say I wasn't going to talk about what happened?! I just kind of did. Oops! Well, after leaving school, I went to get Madeline from daycare. She didn't have the best day either. Apparently she wasn't a good listener. She seems to think that the rules really don't apply to her...the teacher must have been talking to all the OTHER kids in the room. So, we headed home, and when we got here, we read her new books she got from the library today. We eventually made our way downstairs. I told Madeline she could watch one episode of "Hannah Ontana" (as she calls it), and I came in to check in on some of my favorite sites.

I messed around on TSR for a bit, I checked my blog for any comments (thanks, T and Stacey!), and I begrudgingly checked my school email. I paused before I clicked the final button to log me in. Do I really want to check this, I asked myself. Am I just setting myself up for further frustration, my mind wondered. I decided on taking my chances, and I am so glad I did. A teacher at school replied to an email I sent mentioning that I'll be in meetings all day tomorrow and won't be able to meet with the language arts teachers for our weekly curriculum time. She said she would miss me and then went on to share some profound thoughts with me.

She wrote, "and I want you to know on professional note that you are very appreciated by me….when I need something that pertains to LA…you find a way to get it to me…ultimately making my job better in service to my students….and I really appreciate that….." First, I sat in shock. There is someone out there that uses triple and quadruple periods (an elipsis) MORE than I do??!! :) Second, I shed a few more tears. How in the world could this teacher have known HOW much I needed to hear those words today? What in the world made her respond the way she did? Is it really possible I read this email just when I needed it? It is amazing to me that a day's worth of feeling unworthy was mostly wiped away by a few sentences...by less than 50 words...by one little email.

So, maybe I am doing what I've been called to do. Maybe my time so far has not been a waste. Maybe I can make a difference in the lives of the teachers and students with whom I work. Maybe...just maybe.

5 things for which I'm thankful right now (in no particular order)...

1. Email
2. The power of words
3. My family and friends
4. Patient Preschool Teachers
5. Small gifts that come just when you need them :)

Nichols...OUT!

Writer's Block?

How can I already have writer's block? It's only my second day of blogging. I almost didn't even open this up because I thought I wouldn't have a thing to write about. I don't feel very well this afternoon, but no one wants to hear about that. My contacts are dry...that's thrilling information! I know you're dying to know that I didn't finish cleaning the basement last week, right?!

Okay, enough with my sarcasm. What do bloggers blog about? What interesting, juicy tidbits from my life are you waiting on pins and needles to read? I suppose I should be thankful I don't have anything of substance to write about. I could be like my BFF, Shawnna, and have TOO much to write about. No, thanks. I'd rather help her through the craziness than experience some of it myself.

I have had some crazy times lately. Jase and I both started new and very different jobs. We moved after struggling to sell our house. Madeline went through three preschool teachers before they finally found one to stay. Jason had some football drama that created some hiccups in our life. The bad thing about all of that is that it happened at the same time. All of those things were going on at once. It was stressful. I would have had TONS of stuff to blog about then. So, I guess this is the bottom of the roller coaster drop...the calm after the storm...the crash after the sugar rush. Now instead of feeling frustrated because I have nothing exciting to write, I'll count my blessings that I don't have anything exciting to write. :)

5 Things I'm thankful for right now (in no particular order)...

1. my family and friends (as always)
2. eye drops
3. Pepto Bismol (YUCK!)
4. more time to clean the basement
5. the calm after the storm

Nichols...OUT

I think I could really get into this!!

You know the phrase, "Never say never." Well, I think I did. I am almost positive I said I would never blog. I knew what it was. I understood it. But, I didn't get it. I couldn't understand why people would want to blog when they could journal. Now I know. My thoughts are flowing as randomly and quickly as my fingers are flying over these keys. I can't get things out of my head fast enough! It's probably a good thing to clear some of the clutter in there...Lord knows there's enough to go around! ;)

So, now I'll be blogging. I'm a blogger. It's official. One post does count, right? :)

I'm going to end my post with 5 things I'm thankful for right now (in no particular order)...

1. Old friends
2. Family
3. Ice water
4. My high school typing class (thanks, Ms. Swanson ;) )
5. quiet

Until later...Nichols - OUT!