I miss my dad. I have missed him since the day he passed away...some days more than others. It's so strange to me that some days I can't stop thinking about him and other days I might go without thinking of him once. It makes me feel guilty to even type that. You would have laughed if you were watching me hesitate before I even typed that. I thought, "I shouldn't admit to that." "That makes me sound bad." It's true though.
Some days I don't think about my dad once. I'm sure my mom thinks about him everyday. Teressa might think of him everyday too. I don't. Some days when I do think about him, I'm not sad. I might remember something he used to do or say, and it makes me smile. Other days, though, I can't get him out of my mind. I can't stop feeling the pain of missing him. The last week or two have been like that for me. I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him.
My dad was such an amazing person. I know some of you reading this are nodding in agreement. You were lucky like me. You knew him. You loved him. You know how he was the greatest person. He had his faults, of course, but he made people's lives richer. People who really knew him loved him. They couldn't help it. However, some of you reading this don't know him. You never met him. You might not have even known me when he was alive. You missed out. My dad was funny. He was smart. He loved to laugh. He teased people a lot...not in a mean way...when he teased you, you knew it was out of love. My dad spoiled all of us. He was so giving of his time, his affection, his gifts. He was quite a man!
I sometimes still can't believe he's gone. I so wish I could turn back time and change something so he would still be here with us. Didn't he know how much we would miss him? Didn't he know we would sometimes feel lost without him? Didn't he know how much he would miss seeing his grandkids grow up? Why did he ignore the health warning signs? Why didn't he take better care of himself? Why did he do things he knew weren't good for him?
I realize none of that really matters now. What's done is done. I would insert the lyrics of that annoyingly sweet Doris Day song here, but I don't even know how to spell it. I miss my dad. I miss him terribly. I would give anything to have him back. I really would. Today I am thinking about him, and the sadness I feel is strangling me. It really is taking my breath away. I feel the pain in my whole body.
I know your tendency in reading this is to feel sorry for us, those of us missing him. Well, don't. Don't feel sorry for Madeline who will really never know how much her Papa loved her. Don't feel sorry for my mom trying to figure out how to go on without him. Don't feel sorry for our family or my dad's friends. Please don't feel sorry for me. Don't feel sorry that I am consumed with grief today. Instead, feel sorry for the ones whose lives were never touched by him. Feel sorry for the people in our lives that never got to know this amazing man who shaped who we are today. For even though I am choking on the pain of missing him, I got to spend 30 years with my wonderful dad. I have a heart full of memories, a head full of advise, a house full of reminders. Believe it or not, even today when I'm feeling low, I still realize I am the lucky one.
5 Things for which I am thankful right now (in no particular order)...
1. My family and friends
2. Kleenex
3. Knowledge and Clarity
4. 30 years, even if they went too quickly
5. Luck being on my side
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3 comments:
There must be something in the air or it could be that another family lost their husband and father today. Knowing what pain they are going through makes it all come closer to us. We know that they had something that we didnt, He was very sick so they knew to spend those extra moments with him, but they also had to watch him suffer. They have to deal with the cost of his suffering. But the pain is the pain no matter what.
I think it is natural that you dont think of you Dad every day. There were probably times when you didnt think of him when he was here. Those days are probably the ones that either your sisters or myself need him more than you do. That is being unselfish on your part by giving us those days. It is a way of healing.
People say that time heals. I dont think so, I think that the paid is still there but maybe just not as often.
The grandkis will never forget him becuase none of us will let them. They will remember certain things even without us or no matter how young they were.
So remember that he is always with you even if you arent thinking of him now just as much as he was 20 months ago.
Girl
can you pass some of your kleenex - we are all out at the samples' house
I LUB YA
BIG HUGS
I picked the wrong day to catch up on your blog. I've shed more tears today than I have in years . When I joined the MB, your Dad was already gone, so count me as one of the unlucky ones who never got to know him. He sounds like an amazing man. But I consider myself very lucky to know his youngest daughter. She's a real peach - an obviously a chip off the old block. (T's not too bad, either!!)
Catherine
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