The Greatest Gift (long post)

I wish I had a dollar for every time I told my parents, "If you just buy me this ONE thing, I will NEVER ask for anything ever again." It was the THING I HAD to have. What was it? How much use did I get out of it? I can't even answer those questions. I remember using that phrase, but I don't remember the THINGS I was asking for. I'm sure early on it involved barbies or babies. Later it turned to cars or clothes. It changed yet again to electronics. Now I might say it about scrapping stuff...if I was still that immature! :)

My parents did not leave me wanting for things growing up. I got most of what I asked for. I'm sure they might say I got everything I asked for, but that's not quite true. :) I was selfish. I was greedy. I was addicted to things...material things that made me happy at the time but left no lasting satisfaction. I suppose in many ways I am still addicted to things. I saw an ad yesterday for the redesigned iPod Nano. I love it. I thought to myself, "I should ask Jase for that for Christmas." I don't need it! The one I have now works just fine. I know if I asked for it, Jase would find a way to get it for me. In many ways, he picked up right where my parents left off in that regard. I wish I could change my need for material possessions. I don't know that I can. Deep down, I don't really know that I want to...even though I typed just a few seconds ago that I do.

Well, last weekend, I got the greatest gift I've gotten in a long time. It wasn't a gift I asked for. It wasn't a gift I was comfortable getting. The gift wasn't a surprise, and I was very apprehensive in receiving it. The gift wasn't wrapped in brightly colored paper or even lovingly placed in a gift bag complete with tissue paper and ribbons. However, it turned out to be amazing...wonderfully surprising...and ultimately life changing. The gift was given to me by someone in my life who I haven't been close to in the past. I would never expect a gift so precious to be given to ME by HER. Not that she isn't generous...she is. We just haven't had the relationship to be giving much to each other.

The gift arrived a week ago last Thursday in a car that had driven about 12 hours for delivery. The car held my oldest sister, Colleen, and her two sons, Danny and Matthew. See, in order to understand the complexity of this gift, you have to understand a little about the relationship between Colleen and me. I am the baby in my family (not just in actions but in age as well). Colleen is 8 years older than me. She joined the Navy right after high school graduation. When she left the house, I was merely a kid begging for the latest and greatest Barbie...with extra clothes, of course! We didn't really grow up together. She visited only a handful of times between the time she left and returning for our dad's funeral. We hardly ever talked on the phone, and when we did it was awkward. I've only met her husband once. They brought their oldest son, Danny, with them when he was about 2. That's the last time I saw Danny prior to this most recent visit. Their youngest, Matthew, was a stranger to me. My mom talks about him, I've seen pictures, but I didn't know him. I had never talked to him on the phone even. Now Colleen and I have gotten closer since Daddy died. She has visited a few times, we talk on the phone about once a month. Granted, our relationship isn't where it should be, but considering where it had been, it's a major change.

So, I knew Colleen and the boys were going to visit. I've known it for months, but I wasn't prepared for it. They planned on coming to my house last Friday. I had butterflies like you wouldn't believe. I paced between looking out the door and looking out the kitchen window. Why was I so nervous? This was my family visiting. I am a family person! My family is my life. Not long after they arrived, my fears, nerves, and hesitations were all wiped away. Madeline was even shy to them for some time. She didn't warm up as quickly as she normally does. By the time we left to meet T and the girls for dinner, Madeline was all over the boys. She didn't want to ride in the car with me. She wanted to ride with Memo and the boys. When we got to Red Robin, she held Danny's hand to cross the parking lot. We had a wonderful meal with lots of talking, sharing, and laughing. As I drove away, I got so choked up.

How did I let this happen? Why was it okay for me to go along each and everyday not having contact with Colleen and the boys? I should be ashamed of myself. If I'm so used to getting what I want, why didn't I fight to have contact with them. Funny enough, it wouldn't have been a fight at all. Why didn't I try? Why didn't I let them know me? Why was I content to be an outsider that they've only heard about?

Let me tell you, these boys are amazing. They are polite, FUNNY, articulate, well behaved, and endearing. Madeline loves them. Jason and I thoroughly enjoyed every second we spent with them. Funny enough, the visit that I was nervous about beginning was the same visit I didn't want to come to an end. I was so sad to see them go. I desperately wish we lived closer. I want to spend time with them every weekend like I do my mom and T. I want the relationship with them that I have with Amanda and Emma. I have to fight to make it happen.

I was so sad for the time lost. I need to be thankful this visit happened. I am thankful this visit happened. I need to make sure we never revert back to our old ways. It was easy, I'll be the first to admit it. However, now that I've spent two days with these boys, I will never accept a life without them. The gift I want now is more time with them. I promise if I can just have this one gift, I will never ask for another thing again! :)

5 Things for Which I am Thankful Right Now (in no particular order)...

1. Family
2. Family
3. Family
4. Family
5. Unexpected gifts