Do you know how hard it is to teach kids to write? Do you remember learning how to write? I don't. I have no memories of my teachers teaching me how to write. I'm a teacher, and I really don't know how to teach kids to write. I mean, I teach them the writing process, we do peer editing, I have some amazing organizers to help them get their thoughts collected and in order. I pull out all the tricks I have to make them better writers. I don't know that what I do helps them, though.
I love to write. I always have. I don't get a huge kick out of writing essays or research papers, but other than that, I love to write. I even love to edit other people's work. There's something satisfying about fixing what someone writes to make it the best it can be. I love blogging. It's writing at it's best. I just write what I'm thinking. I don't have to do a pre-writing organizer, a rough draft, editing, none of that junk. I just let my ideas flow.
Those of you who really know me know that I do not have the best self-esteem. I don't really see myself as having many strengths. However, I think I am a good writer. I like what I write. When I reread things I have written, I'm proud of how it turned out. I've actually had a few people recently tell me that they like my writing. Two girls have told me that after reading my blog. One tells me about once a month. ;) I love to hear that!!
I was asked the other day by a student what I would do if I wasn't a teacher. I would write. I wish I could make money doing it. I would LOVE that!! Can you imagine making money to do something you are SO passionate about? Something that makes you feel good about yourself? I suppose some think teaching should be that for me. It is sometimes, but there are so many demands...so many requirements...so much that rides on everything you do.
Now you know why I've decided when I grow up, I want to be a writer. Aren't I grown up now? Nope. I don't know when I'll grow up. Heck, I may never grow up. But if I do, watch for my name in print. :)
5 Things for which I'm Thankful (in no particular order)...
1. Spell Check
2. My writing teachers (even though I don't remember what you taught me)
3. Feeling good about myself
4. The Gift for Gab
5. Dreams of someday growing up
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
I am the Lucky One.
I miss my dad. I have missed him since the day he passed away...some days more than others. It's so strange to me that some days I can't stop thinking about him and other days I might go without thinking of him once. It makes me feel guilty to even type that. You would have laughed if you were watching me hesitate before I even typed that. I thought, "I shouldn't admit to that." "That makes me sound bad." It's true though.
Some days I don't think about my dad once. I'm sure my mom thinks about him everyday. Teressa might think of him everyday too. I don't. Some days when I do think about him, I'm not sad. I might remember something he used to do or say, and it makes me smile. Other days, though, I can't get him out of my mind. I can't stop feeling the pain of missing him. The last week or two have been like that for me. I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him.
My dad was such an amazing person. I know some of you reading this are nodding in agreement. You were lucky like me. You knew him. You loved him. You know how he was the greatest person. He had his faults, of course, but he made people's lives richer. People who really knew him loved him. They couldn't help it. However, some of you reading this don't know him. You never met him. You might not have even known me when he was alive. You missed out. My dad was funny. He was smart. He loved to laugh. He teased people a lot...not in a mean way...when he teased you, you knew it was out of love. My dad spoiled all of us. He was so giving of his time, his affection, his gifts. He was quite a man!
I sometimes still can't believe he's gone. I so wish I could turn back time and change something so he would still be here with us. Didn't he know how much we would miss him? Didn't he know we would sometimes feel lost without him? Didn't he know how much he would miss seeing his grandkids grow up? Why did he ignore the health warning signs? Why didn't he take better care of himself? Why did he do things he knew weren't good for him?
I realize none of that really matters now. What's done is done. I would insert the lyrics of that annoyingly sweet Doris Day song here, but I don't even know how to spell it. I miss my dad. I miss him terribly. I would give anything to have him back. I really would. Today I am thinking about him, and the sadness I feel is strangling me. It really is taking my breath away. I feel the pain in my whole body.
I know your tendency in reading this is to feel sorry for us, those of us missing him. Well, don't. Don't feel sorry for Madeline who will really never know how much her Papa loved her. Don't feel sorry for my mom trying to figure out how to go on without him. Don't feel sorry for our family or my dad's friends. Please don't feel sorry for me. Don't feel sorry that I am consumed with grief today. Instead, feel sorry for the ones whose lives were never touched by him. Feel sorry for the people in our lives that never got to know this amazing man who shaped who we are today. For even though I am choking on the pain of missing him, I got to spend 30 years with my wonderful dad. I have a heart full of memories, a head full of advise, a house full of reminders. Believe it or not, even today when I'm feeling low, I still realize I am the lucky one.
5 Things for which I am thankful right now (in no particular order)...
1. My family and friends
2. Kleenex
3. Knowledge and Clarity
4. 30 years, even if they went too quickly
5. Luck being on my side
Some days I don't think about my dad once. I'm sure my mom thinks about him everyday. Teressa might think of him everyday too. I don't. Some days when I do think about him, I'm not sad. I might remember something he used to do or say, and it makes me smile. Other days, though, I can't get him out of my mind. I can't stop feeling the pain of missing him. The last week or two have been like that for me. I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him.
My dad was such an amazing person. I know some of you reading this are nodding in agreement. You were lucky like me. You knew him. You loved him. You know how he was the greatest person. He had his faults, of course, but he made people's lives richer. People who really knew him loved him. They couldn't help it. However, some of you reading this don't know him. You never met him. You might not have even known me when he was alive. You missed out. My dad was funny. He was smart. He loved to laugh. He teased people a lot...not in a mean way...when he teased you, you knew it was out of love. My dad spoiled all of us. He was so giving of his time, his affection, his gifts. He was quite a man!
I sometimes still can't believe he's gone. I so wish I could turn back time and change something so he would still be here with us. Didn't he know how much we would miss him? Didn't he know we would sometimes feel lost without him? Didn't he know how much he would miss seeing his grandkids grow up? Why did he ignore the health warning signs? Why didn't he take better care of himself? Why did he do things he knew weren't good for him?
I realize none of that really matters now. What's done is done. I would insert the lyrics of that annoyingly sweet Doris Day song here, but I don't even know how to spell it. I miss my dad. I miss him terribly. I would give anything to have him back. I really would. Today I am thinking about him, and the sadness I feel is strangling me. It really is taking my breath away. I feel the pain in my whole body.
I know your tendency in reading this is to feel sorry for us, those of us missing him. Well, don't. Don't feel sorry for Madeline who will really never know how much her Papa loved her. Don't feel sorry for my mom trying to figure out how to go on without him. Don't feel sorry for our family or my dad's friends. Please don't feel sorry for me. Don't feel sorry that I am consumed with grief today. Instead, feel sorry for the ones whose lives were never touched by him. Feel sorry for the people in our lives that never got to know this amazing man who shaped who we are today. For even though I am choking on the pain of missing him, I got to spend 30 years with my wonderful dad. I have a heart full of memories, a head full of advise, a house full of reminders. Believe it or not, even today when I'm feeling low, I still realize I am the lucky one.
5 Things for which I am thankful right now (in no particular order)...
1. My family and friends
2. Kleenex
3. Knowledge and Clarity
4. 30 years, even if they went too quickly
5. Luck being on my side
Monday, October 1, 2007
The Greatest Gift (long post)
I wish I had a dollar for every time I told my parents, "If you just buy me this ONE thing, I will NEVER ask for anything ever again." It was the THING I HAD to have. What was it? How much use did I get out of it? I can't even answer those questions. I remember using that phrase, but I don't remember the THINGS I was asking for. I'm sure early on it involved barbies or babies. Later it turned to cars or clothes. It changed yet again to electronics. Now I might say it about scrapping stuff...if I was still that immature! :)
My parents did not leave me wanting for things growing up. I got most of what I asked for. I'm sure they might say I got everything I asked for, but that's not quite true. :) I was selfish. I was greedy. I was addicted to things...material things that made me happy at the time but left no lasting satisfaction. I suppose in many ways I am still addicted to things. I saw an ad yesterday for the redesigned iPod Nano. I love it. I thought to myself, "I should ask Jase for that for Christmas." I don't need it! The one I have now works just fine. I know if I asked for it, Jase would find a way to get it for me. In many ways, he picked up right where my parents left off in that regard. I wish I could change my need for material possessions. I don't know that I can. Deep down, I don't really know that I want to...even though I typed just a few seconds ago that I do.
Well, last weekend, I got the greatest gift I've gotten in a long time. It wasn't a gift I asked for. It wasn't a gift I was comfortable getting. The gift wasn't a surprise, and I was very apprehensive in receiving it. The gift wasn't wrapped in brightly colored paper or even lovingly placed in a gift bag complete with tissue paper and ribbons. However, it turned out to be amazing...wonderfully surprising...and ultimately life changing. The gift was given to me by someone in my life who I haven't been close to in the past. I would never expect a gift so precious to be given to ME by HER. Not that she isn't generous...she is. We just haven't had the relationship to be giving much to each other.
The gift arrived a week ago last Thursday in a car that had driven about 12 hours for delivery. The car held my oldest sister, Colleen, and her two sons, Danny and Matthew. See, in order to understand the complexity of this gift, you have to understand a little about the relationship between Colleen and me. I am the baby in my family (not just in actions but in age as well). Colleen is 8 years older than me. She joined the Navy right after high school graduation. When she left the house, I was merely a kid begging for the latest and greatest Barbie...with extra clothes, of course! We didn't really grow up together. She visited only a handful of times between the time she left and returning for our dad's funeral. We hardly ever talked on the phone, and when we did it was awkward. I've only met her husband once. They brought their oldest son, Danny, with them when he was about 2. That's the last time I saw Danny prior to this most recent visit. Their youngest, Matthew, was a stranger to me. My mom talks about him, I've seen pictures, but I didn't know him. I had never talked to him on the phone even. Now Colleen and I have gotten closer since Daddy died. She has visited a few times, we talk on the phone about once a month. Granted, our relationship isn't where it should be, but considering where it had been, it's a major change.
So, I knew Colleen and the boys were going to visit. I've known it for months, but I wasn't prepared for it. They planned on coming to my house last Friday. I had butterflies like you wouldn't believe. I paced between looking out the door and looking out the kitchen window. Why was I so nervous? This was my family visiting. I am a family person! My family is my life. Not long after they arrived, my fears, nerves, and hesitations were all wiped away. Madeline was even shy to them for some time. She didn't warm up as quickly as she normally does. By the time we left to meet T and the girls for dinner, Madeline was all over the boys. She didn't want to ride in the car with me. She wanted to ride with Memo and the boys. When we got to Red Robin, she held Danny's hand to cross the parking lot. We had a wonderful meal with lots of talking, sharing, and laughing. As I drove away, I got so choked up.
How did I let this happen? Why was it okay for me to go along each and everyday not having contact with Colleen and the boys? I should be ashamed of myself. If I'm so used to getting what I want, why didn't I fight to have contact with them. Funny enough, it wouldn't have been a fight at all. Why didn't I try? Why didn't I let them know me? Why was I content to be an outsider that they've only heard about?
Let me tell you, these boys are amazing. They are polite, FUNNY, articulate, well behaved, and endearing. Madeline loves them. Jason and I thoroughly enjoyed every second we spent with them. Funny enough, the visit that I was nervous about beginning was the same visit I didn't want to come to an end. I was so sad to see them go. I desperately wish we lived closer. I want to spend time with them every weekend like I do my mom and T. I want the relationship with them that I have with Amanda and Emma. I have to fight to make it happen.
I was so sad for the time lost. I need to be thankful this visit happened. I am thankful this visit happened. I need to make sure we never revert back to our old ways. It was easy, I'll be the first to admit it. However, now that I've spent two days with these boys, I will never accept a life without them. The gift I want now is more time with them. I promise if I can just have this one gift, I will never ask for another thing again! :)
5 Things for Which I am Thankful Right Now (in no particular order)...
1. Family
2. Family
3. Family
4. Family
5. Unexpected gifts
My parents did not leave me wanting for things growing up. I got most of what I asked for. I'm sure they might say I got everything I asked for, but that's not quite true. :) I was selfish. I was greedy. I was addicted to things...material things that made me happy at the time but left no lasting satisfaction. I suppose in many ways I am still addicted to things. I saw an ad yesterday for the redesigned iPod Nano. I love it. I thought to myself, "I should ask Jase for that for Christmas." I don't need it! The one I have now works just fine. I know if I asked for it, Jase would find a way to get it for me. In many ways, he picked up right where my parents left off in that regard. I wish I could change my need for material possessions. I don't know that I can. Deep down, I don't really know that I want to...even though I typed just a few seconds ago that I do.
Well, last weekend, I got the greatest gift I've gotten in a long time. It wasn't a gift I asked for. It wasn't a gift I was comfortable getting. The gift wasn't a surprise, and I was very apprehensive in receiving it. The gift wasn't wrapped in brightly colored paper or even lovingly placed in a gift bag complete with tissue paper and ribbons. However, it turned out to be amazing...wonderfully surprising...and ultimately life changing. The gift was given to me by someone in my life who I haven't been close to in the past. I would never expect a gift so precious to be given to ME by HER. Not that she isn't generous...she is. We just haven't had the relationship to be giving much to each other.
The gift arrived a week ago last Thursday in a car that had driven about 12 hours for delivery. The car held my oldest sister, Colleen, and her two sons, Danny and Matthew. See, in order to understand the complexity of this gift, you have to understand a little about the relationship between Colleen and me. I am the baby in my family (not just in actions but in age as well). Colleen is 8 years older than me. She joined the Navy right after high school graduation. When she left the house, I was merely a kid begging for the latest and greatest Barbie...with extra clothes, of course! We didn't really grow up together. She visited only a handful of times between the time she left and returning for our dad's funeral. We hardly ever talked on the phone, and when we did it was awkward. I've only met her husband once. They brought their oldest son, Danny, with them when he was about 2. That's the last time I saw Danny prior to this most recent visit. Their youngest, Matthew, was a stranger to me. My mom talks about him, I've seen pictures, but I didn't know him. I had never talked to him on the phone even. Now Colleen and I have gotten closer since Daddy died. She has visited a few times, we talk on the phone about once a month. Granted, our relationship isn't where it should be, but considering where it had been, it's a major change.
So, I knew Colleen and the boys were going to visit. I've known it for months, but I wasn't prepared for it. They planned on coming to my house last Friday. I had butterflies like you wouldn't believe. I paced between looking out the door and looking out the kitchen window. Why was I so nervous? This was my family visiting. I am a family person! My family is my life. Not long after they arrived, my fears, nerves, and hesitations were all wiped away. Madeline was even shy to them for some time. She didn't warm up as quickly as she normally does. By the time we left to meet T and the girls for dinner, Madeline was all over the boys. She didn't want to ride in the car with me. She wanted to ride with Memo and the boys. When we got to Red Robin, she held Danny's hand to cross the parking lot. We had a wonderful meal with lots of talking, sharing, and laughing. As I drove away, I got so choked up.
How did I let this happen? Why was it okay for me to go along each and everyday not having contact with Colleen and the boys? I should be ashamed of myself. If I'm so used to getting what I want, why didn't I fight to have contact with them. Funny enough, it wouldn't have been a fight at all. Why didn't I try? Why didn't I let them know me? Why was I content to be an outsider that they've only heard about?
Let me tell you, these boys are amazing. They are polite, FUNNY, articulate, well behaved, and endearing. Madeline loves them. Jason and I thoroughly enjoyed every second we spent with them. Funny enough, the visit that I was nervous about beginning was the same visit I didn't want to come to an end. I was so sad to see them go. I desperately wish we lived closer. I want to spend time with them every weekend like I do my mom and T. I want the relationship with them that I have with Amanda and Emma. I have to fight to make it happen.
I was so sad for the time lost. I need to be thankful this visit happened. I am thankful this visit happened. I need to make sure we never revert back to our old ways. It was easy, I'll be the first to admit it. However, now that I've spent two days with these boys, I will never accept a life without them. The gift I want now is more time with them. I promise if I can just have this one gift, I will never ask for another thing again! :)
5 Things for Which I am Thankful Right Now (in no particular order)...
1. Family
2. Family
3. Family
4. Family
5. Unexpected gifts
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